I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
