Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
