dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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