I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Randomize
