I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
