im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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