I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Randomize
