Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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