Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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