All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
