Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I'm always down for nudity.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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