Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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