Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
