Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
