dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
