I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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