i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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