were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
