did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
