He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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