I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
