Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
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