I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
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