you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
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