Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
