I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
We are all done wearing pants today
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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