Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Randomize
