i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
