sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
