Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
