Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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