I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
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