Tell her she can't have a vagina
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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