in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
