fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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