Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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