remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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