you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
