bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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