At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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