just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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