I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
