A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
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