People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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