Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
