you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
