Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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