I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I wish I only lived at night.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
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