he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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