I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
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